The Heart Wants What it Wants
by skygirl55
Summary: For Kate Beckett and Richard Castle being together is impossible...or is it? [AU Future World / Companion to "The Illusion of Perfect"] 3 Parts.
1. Chapter 1

**The Heart Wants What it Wants**

 **For Kate Beckett and Richard Castle being together is impossible...or is it? [AU Future World / Companion to "The Illusion of Perfect"] 3 Parts.**

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 **A/N:** As promised this is the slightly darker companion to The Illusion of Perfect. It is not completely necessary to read that fic before this on in order to understand, but it is recommended.

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Clearing her throat, Kate Beckett lifted her hand and rapped her knuckles against the doorway to the penthouse of that Broome Street apartment building. She dropped her hand and first tucked her fingers into her front jean pocket, but then almost immediately moved her arms so they were crossed in front of her. Then, second guessing her position, she moved both hands to her back pockets instead. A moment later she dropped her chin to her chest and let out a long exhale still wondering if her decision to go to the Castle loft that evening had been a good idea or one of the worst she'd ever had.

As always, the writer had been quite a convincing force. After he'd saved her life, he maintained concern about her well-being, continually asking if she was all right or if she needed to go to a hospital. Once the EMT's gave them the all-clear to go home and clean up after their impromptu swim, he'd invited her over to his place, saying that she shouldn't be alone just in case she felt the ill effects of her near-drowning later on. She assured him she was fine, but he wouldn't accept her answer and insisted that she come over for dinner so she could spend the evening relaxing. After her initial refusal, he texted her three times in an hour until she finally gave in just so he'd let her finish her reports in peace.

Really, the entire day had been a mess right from the start when she blew a fuse in her apartment trying to dry her hair. Considering how run-down her building was, blowing a fuse happened once a week on average, but that morning it really set the pace for her mess of a day, which by noon-time had her police cruiser plunging hood-first into the Hudson. She knew she would be mentally kicking herself for weeks to follow for not realizing their mob-affiliated suspect had lured her and her partner to the dock under the guise of providing information on their latest case only to make an attempt on their lives. He would have succeeded, too, were it not for Castle.

Kate doubted she would ever not be amazed by the way her writer-turned-investigator partner stayed calm as water flooded their vehicle. While she panicked despite her cop training, he maintained the wherewithal to retrieve her gun, which had fallen to the floor in the back, destroy her stuck seatbelt, swim them both to safety, and then resuscitate her after she passed out from gulping in the river water. She owed him her life for that moment—and many others—which was the other reason she was at his apartment that night; Richard Castle deserved a very genuine thank you for all he had done for her.

"Hey! C'mon in!" The writer greeted her with his perfect grin and sparkling blue eyes as he ushered her into his apartment. Of course, as he was one of the first born from the new, genetically perfected brand of human eggs, there really was no other way for Castle to smile other than perfectly and his eyes never lost their luster. As one of the original Ultra-Elites, born over forty years prior, he did differ slightly from the one born those days: his skin had freckles and not all his features were perfectly symmetrical, but compared to Defects like her? He was in another class entirely, both inside and out.

"So I was thinking maybe we'd do some comfort food given everything we went through today. Mac and cheese sound good? I also have some steaks if you'd rather—I know you usually like it when I make those."

She chuckled inwardly as she hung up her jacket by the door. Yes, she did enjoy Castle's steaks, mainly because she only ever ate steaks when she was with him, as they were an item far too pricy for her meager budget. "Mac and cheese is fine, Castle; no need to go to any special trouble for me."

"I disagree—we're celebrating our survival, remember?" He winked at her and then walked back towards his kitchen, beckoning for her to follow.

Kate unzipped her boots, left them by the door, and followed the writer, her sock-covered feet padding against the familiar smooth wooden floor. Though she'd been partners with Castle for over three years and thus been in his apartment many times, she never felt at ease there, only out of her element. The loft felt like a museum with shiny floors, clean walls and luxurious furniture. She did the best she could to keep her apartment tidy and was never purposefully dirty, but there was only so much she could do with the cracked flooring, peeling paint and hand-me-down furniture that came with her rental.

"Speaking of our survival," Kate began, hovering at the edge of the counter as he poured two glasses of red wine, another luxury she rarely enjoyed outside the writer's presence. "You, ah, left kind of quickly at the pier."

He passed over her glass with a grimace. "Sorry I just wanted to get home and out of my soaking wet socks and underwear."

She nodded, completely understanding the sentiments as she had hated her very damp ride back to the Twelfth. "Not judging, Castle, just commenting. And thanks for the wine. I just meant that you left before I had a chance to really thank you for saving my life."

He shrugged as casually as if he'd merely provided her with a ride home from work. "Of course, Kate; we're partners."

Kate fought the urge to wince visibly at how he labeled them. They were partners—she'd never think of them otherwise, but therein lay the problem. Being 'partners' was all they could ever be.

"Still, you saved me…again." She added with a light laugh.

The writer set his glass down on the edge of the counter and approached her slowly, purposefully. "I'll save you as many times as I have to, Kate Beckett."

He stopped in front of her, the heat pouring out of his eyes with such intensity that Kate was surprised the wine in her goblet did not begin to boil. She cleared her throat and dropped her gaze to the stem of the glass, unable to tolerate the way his expression of desire made her heart flutter and ache all the same. They had shared a similar moment once he'd hoisted them both up onto the pier. They were breathless and clinging to each other. Their faces had been so close, _so close_ that she had almost—

No. She wouldn't have such thoughts; she _couldn't_.

"Kate."

The husk in his tone made her gaze up at him, her heart hammering against her rib cage. God, the way he was looking at her; she could barely endure the way it twisted her stomach in her gut. All her life she'd pushed herself away from people, so she'd never experienced wanting someone the way she wanted him. The feeling was visceral and practically molecular, but she couldn't have him, no matter how much she ached; no matter how much it tore her up inside.

Castle reached out, took her wine glass, and set it on the counter beside them. He then skimmed his left hand across her forearm until it dropped down to her side, just above her hip; she gasped and instinctively reached out her hand to close around his bicep. "What are you doing?" They had rarely, if ever, been in such close physical contact, events when he was carrying her injured body away from a firefight or a sinking police cruiser aside.

"We could have died today, Kate. Died without ever having this moment that I know we both want."

"W-what moment is that?" she responded, her voice a little shaky. She played dumb, afraid to believe it even though she was quite positive she understood his implication.

Ever the showman, the writer didn't respond directly, but instead used his hand against her waist to pull her closer so that their hips were almost flush. He dipped his head so that his lips grazed across her forehead and up over the top of her head. She sucked in a breath, her heart jumping up into her throat, and his right hand skimmed beneath her jaw so he could tilt her chin upwards.

"This moment," he said simply before lowering his head further so that his lips hovered over hers.

Kate could feel it, his hot breath on her face, the feather-light touch of his lips over hers. She could give in so easily—give in to the thing that yes, of course they both wanted—but she maintained just enough of her senses to remain strong. Just before he could kiss her, she pushed herself away using her hands on his biceps. "Castle, no. Stop."

A pained expression skirted across his face. "But why? You want this don't you?"

Ignoring his second question she replied. "You know why—it's illegal."

Obviously undeterred, he took two sauntering steps towards her. "Technically, kissing isn't illegal."

She grunted and moved around to the other side of the kitchen counter so that it separated them hoping the distance would allow her to think with her brain and not her heart. "'Intimate relations' includes kissing, Castle." She reminded him, quoting the law she'd memorized by the time she was sixteen.

Ultra-Elites, like the one that stood before her, were born from DNA harvested from their parents that was placed into a lab-created blank embryo. They were designed to be flawless inside and out; free from genetic abnormalities that would make them susceptible to illnesses or detrimental genetic conditions as well as any that would give them less-desirable external qualities. Kate, on the other hand, had been born from natural conception, a practice that was illegal at the time of her birth.

Not every family had to pay the tens of thousands of dollars to have an Ultra-Elite baby, but couples were required to go through genetic counselling and have lab harvesting done to make sure defect-free eggs and sperm were used for conception. Defiant to these brand new, too-harsh rulings, the Becketts had chosen not to do this and were thusly punished. Kate's mother was jailed when Kate's defective-status was discovered when she tried to enter kindergarten; she died in a prison riot three years later. So as not to burden the foster system with an undesirable child, Kate's father was allowed to raise his daughter, though they faced much scrutiny and opposition.

By the time she was a teen, Kate discovered the full ramifications of her parent's decision. Though no legal restrictions on where she could live or work existed, the fact that she did not carry any level of Elite ID card made her easy to discriminate against. Subject to many prejudices, she worked hard to have the best grades and high school resume she could to get into a good college in hopes of having a career as a lawyer like her parents. Unfortunately, a vicious incident during her freshmen year altered the course of her life; she dropped out of her Ivey League college and instead attended the police academy, intent on trying to the world a better place even though the world had turned its back on her long ago.

Kate had been satisfied with her life, satisfied with the good she did as a homicide detective, until the fateful day on which she met Richard Castle. She knew of him, of course—had even read his novels, which was how she was able to pick up on the murder scene that strongly resembled one in his books. Per the unofficial social rules in Manhattan, she interacted with Ultra-Elites as little as possible, so speaking with the writer was a departure from her routine in many ways.

Unlike the other Ultra-Elites she encountered, instead of being repulsed by her, Castle seemed intrigued. He was kind to her and surprisingly helpful, but she never could have anticipated him requesting to shadow her and using his relationship with the mayor as leverage for her captain to agree to the unprecedented arrangement. At first, she resisted him on the mantra that she needed to keep her distance, but he eventually wore her down, and three years later she considered him a dear friend.

The events of her youth had made Kate certain that she would live out her life—however long that was given her dangerous profession—in solitude. As an answer to navigating the murky waters of who she was legally allowed to be in a relationship with, Kate opted to be in a relationship with no one and had accepted that as her fate…until Castle had cradled her against his chest, protecting her injured body from flying bullets, and she realized that despite all efforts to maintain her distance, she'd fallen for him.

Ever since that moment nearly a year earlier, she'd had a continuous war raging inside her heart. She tried to sabotage their partnership and push him away, but it never worked; he always came back so she'd given up and accepted his friendship despite continuous warnings that she was toeing the line more than ever, but Castle made her smile, he made her laugh, he made her _happy_ and that just wasn't something she was willing to give up.

Kate wasn't stupid—she was a detective and a damn good one at that—and she knew the looks her partner gave her. She suspected he felt the same or at least felt something for her and had more or less just proved it by trying to kiss her, but no matter how much they wanted it, they couldn't. Intimate relations between Defects like her and Ultra-Elites like him were illegal. Yes, technically 'relations' referred to sex, which could lead to accidental procreation, but she imagined a federal law enforcer in a bad mood wouldn't hesitate to throw the book at them both for even a simple kiss.

Walking steadily towards her he said, "Intimate relations could be kissing…but it also could be something else and, as a perfect gentleman, I wouldn't dream of crossing that line—at least, not on the first date." He finished with a smirk.

Kate scooted away from him before he could reach out and touch her. "This isn't a date."

"Really? Food, wine…and if I light some candles it could definitely be a date."

He reached out for her hand but she twisted away just before he could touch her. "Castle—stop! We would both end up in prison, you realize that, right?"

He shrugged. "Worth it."

She growled at his cavalier attitude. "Castle. I'm a cop; I'd get killed in prison."

The gravity of this statement wiped the teasing-expression from his face and he approached her with a more serious tone. "Kate, I would never, ever want you to be in danger, but I don't think you are. I'm not asking you to make out with me in the middle of Time's Square; no one is going to catch us."

Shaking her head and raking her fingers through her hair, Kate gazed over at him with a small amount of disbelief. "I can't even believe we're having this conversation."

"Might I suggest having it over dinner?" he asked, making a sweeping gesture towards his macaroni and cheese casserole.

Though her appetite had diminished significantly, Kate nodded and took a seat at his expansive dining room table. While Castle brought over the casserole and their salad she tried to calm her heartrate and process what had just transpired in his kitchen. Castle had, effectively, said he wanted to make love to her, which, if she was being honest with herself, was something that she wanted as well, but knew she could never have owing to the fact that she really, _really_ did not want to go to prison.

"I think you'll see that my plan is actually quite sound."

Kate gazed suspiciously up at the man placing a large dollop of still steaming-hot cheesy pasta on his plate. "Is that so?"

He bobbed his head. "Yes, like all of my plans."

Kate let out a bark of laughter at his statement which was entirely false. With all his wild theories, she doubted more than forty percent could be considered 'quite sound'. "All of your plans!? Castle, have you met you?"

"I have no idea to what you're referring."

She grumbled at his innocent expression and turned to the plate in front of her which she'd made half salad and half pasta. She tried to concentrate on her food, but despite the fact that she enjoyed the rich, silky flavor of the melted cheese blend (another thing too pricy for her budget) she just couldn't focus. She struggled to conceptualize what kind of plan the writer could concoct that was remotely plausible and also did not end with them being hauled away in shackles. Unable to live with the nagging curiosity, Kate set down her fork, took a sip of wine, and stared her companion down.

"Okay, Castle, let's assume for a second you have not completely lost your mind, what exactly is your foolproof plan? We have a one-night affair? What would that get us? If it was wonderful, we'd both be miserable—we'd want to do it again and again and we probably would, but then what? Would we stop? Walk away? Or keep going until we were caught? Because those are pretty much our only two options: one night together or prison."

Shaking his head he said, "Kate, you're being far too dramatic about this."

She squeaked with indignation. "Too dramatic? Do you know what my life is like, Castle?" She faced animosity at nearly every turn. Doing her job was nearly impossible because suspects merely sneered at her and victim's families often requested a different investigator even after her captain pointed out to them that she was their precinct's highest ranked detective. The man across from her, however, had practically had his life handed to him on a silver platter, so of course he would see every situation through rose-colored glasses.

Resting his fork against the edge of his plate, Castle skimmed out his now-free right hand so it could grasp onto hers across the table. "I do, actually. You've been through so much Kate, so much heartache and hardship. I just want to give you something good; I want you to be happy."

Despite the fact that his warm fingers against hers made her skin tingle, Kate gazed away and said, "I'm not allowed to be happy, Castle; the government has made sure of that."

His hand gave hers a squeeze and he pleaded, "Kate."

She took in a shaky deep breath and fought back the tears forming at the edge of her eyes. As she had rarely faced such kindness before in her life, Kate did not always know how to react when Castle treated her in such a way, but she'd come to learn over the prior year it was just his way. A mean bone didn't exist in his body and he was the type of person who wanted to fix the world, impossible as it seemed. She appreciated that his positive outlook counteracted her negative one in many ways, but there were just some situations that he couldn't charm his way out of and this was one of them.

"I appreciate what you're saying Castle, I really do. It's so sweet and I wish…I wish it wasn't illegal but-"

"What if it wasn't?"

She turned her gaze back to him and asked slightly dumbfounded, "What?"

"What if it wasn't illegal?"

Her brow wrinkled as she tried to process what he was saying, but she simply did not have the mental capacity at that time. "…okay? I don't even know what that means." Relations between people like her and people like him had been illegal since the year before her birth and that was not going to change—ever, she imagined.

He smoothed his fingertips over her palm. "It's illegal here, Kate; in the US, but if we moved somewhere else—Canada, Europe—where the laws aren't as-"

"You cannot possibly be serious!" Kate gasped and stood so quickly that she nearly tipped over her chair. She managed to catch it just in time and then stood behind it, her hands gripping on to the top of the seat back until her knuckles were white.

His gaze ever-steady, he said, "I am serious."

Kate shook her head as she looked down at him. Clearly, he had completely lost his mind. He was suggesting that they run away together—run away _to another country_ together, despite the fact that they'd never kissed and never been in anything close to a romantic relationship. Hoping to argue him back to sanity with a more overt reason, she said, "Castle, if we did that we'd have to leave everyone behind and we could never come back. Your mother, your daughter, all of your friends and-"

"I'd do it." He stood from his seat and walked around the end of the table so he was just two feet in front of her. "I'd do it for you, Kate, because I-"

"No." She whimpered out, fearful what his next confession would be. "Don't…don't."

"But it's true."

He reached out a hand towards her but she twisted away and back towards the other end of the table. Brushing a stray tear from the corner of her eye she said, "No, Castle I just…I can't talk about this right now. Today has been too…too much." She hadn't yet fully processed the fact that she nearly drowned and she definitely could not handle any emotional confession from her partner in the same evening.

He nodded and raised his hands up with palms facing out defensively. "That's fair. Just eat and relax. And then we can talk about it later or whenever. You can even stay the night."

Kate rolled her eyes as she pulled out her chair in order to sit back down at her plate of food; clearly, his sanity had not yet returned. "I obviously cannot do that Castle."

"Why not? It'll be as friends. You'll be 'sleeping in the couch.'"

Her brow wrinkled at his hand gestures. "What's with the air quotes?"

"Because I actually mean my bed."

"Castle!" She scolded, though he seemed unfazed.

"Alexis is at a sleepover and god only knows where Mother is; no one will know. Just think about it." He added casually before sitting back down in his chair and continuing with dinner as though they'd been discussing the weather. Not as confident as her partner, Kate tentatively picked up her fork and took a small bite of food, still not sure what other surprises the evening would have for her.

* * *

Richard Castle did not like to think of himself as a conceded man. He had many successes but tried not to overtly gloat about them or seem too arrogant or ungrateful. There were, however, several occasions on which he was positively thrilled with himself. Many related to the solving of a particularly tricky homicide case, but on that particular evening, he prided himself on convincing his lovely partner to spend the night with him; sometimes he even amazed himself with his skills of persuasion.

Castle stood beside his bed, smoothing down the covers and making sure all decorative throw pillows were tossed aside so his bed was ready for a night of restful slumber. Yes, they would only be sleeping that night—a condition of Kate's agreement to stay—but he wasn't complaining about that—not even a little bit. Nervous butterflies filled his stomach as he heard her finishing up in the bathroom, shutting off the water tap and making muted shuffling noises. This was really happening—really and truly. After over a year of wanting her it really was hard to believe.

"This is a terrible idea."

Castle looked over to see his companion standing just outside the bathroom doorway dressed in the t-shirt and boxer shorts he provided her and he grinned. "Are you sure you didn't hit your head when we crashed into the water? You seem to have replaced the world 'excellent' with 'terrible' in that sentence."

She gave him a look. "Very funny, Castle."

"Relax, Kate; no one will ever know." In addition to his enticing tone, he smoothed his hand over the far side of the bed, giving it a pat and encouraging her forward with the nod of his head. She stepped up to the edge of the bed, flipped back to corner of the sheet and duvet, but merely gazed down at it cautiously as her left index finger grazed over the scar on her cheek. Castle recognized this action as one she did while deep in thought, though he doubted she was consciously aware of it. As he had observed her nearly five days a week for over three years, he was intimately familiar with all her movements and actions—and loved every one of them.

Given how long he'd known her Castle no longer noticed the scar that went from just below the outside corner of her right eye almost the entire way across her face to the edge of her nostril. The mark didn't strike him as offensive or repulsive—it never had, even if she was one of the only people with a visible scar that he knew. The raised strip of skin was simply part of her story albeit one of the sadder chapters.

"C'mon." He encouraged. "Just test it out and if you're not comfortable, I'll move to the couch."

She flicked her eyes up to meet his and said with mild horror, "You will not. I'll just…leave."

"This late?"

"I have my badge and gun with me."

"Still too dangerous, Kate. No, you'll just…have to stay." He sighed in a somewhat overly dramatic way, flopping himself down onto the mattress. Then, grinning up at her, he patted her side of the bed once more.

With an expression of reluctance, she placed her right knee down on the bed and sunk down onto her right hip, pulling her left leg up in front of her as she sat. She skimmed her hands across the silky sheets and smiled softly. "This is nice. I've never been in a king-sized before."

"Then you'd better live it up." He encouraged. Her hesitant expression slowly morphing into a smile, she threw herself down against his pile of pillows and flung her arms out above her head. In doing so, she inadvertently caused the shirt she wore to rise up, exposing a few inches of her lower stomach, particularly where the waistband of his boxers was too large for her. Normally, this would not have been a very notable incident however in that particular case it allowed him to view the scars he knew were there but had never seen.

As she said, "This is rather nice," his stare remained fixed on the twin neat lines, half an inch each on either side of her belly button, though several inches below, and the third, angrier and more rugged looking one in between the other two. Without even thinking, Castle reached out his hand to touch the spot, but Kate evidently noticed what he was doing and realized her exposure, because she sat up quickly, wrenched her shirt down and said, "Don't."

"Kate." He began with a soft tone, as though he was approaching a wounded animal. "Please let me see."

She spoke without looking at him. "Why would you want to? They're just scars."

"I want to see." He promised her. His hand landed on her shoulder feather-light at first, but then he gave it a solid squeeze. He skimmed his hand up and down her left side for the better part of thirty seconds before she gazed over at him as tentative as ever. He smiled at her calm, steady, and reassuring until she finally lay back down and exposed barely a centimeter of her stomach to him.

Scooting a bit closer to her, Castle pulled her shirt up to the bottom of her ribs with his right hand and then ran his palm across her low belly while examining the scars. He knew their story, but seeing them added gravity to the situation. As much as he wished the cruelty Kate had faced to be an elaborate tale, it was clearly very, very real.

The two neater, smaller scars he knew to be from the sterilization surgery she had at the age of sixteen. It had taken nearly two years of partnership to get that confession from her and it had initially been born of snide anger towards a government employee speaking down to her while they were trying to investigate a case. He'd questioned, thinking he misheard, and she'd clammed up until they were alone in the bullpen later that night while she filled out paperwork for their case.

What started as a routine physical exam meant to clear her for participating in a school sport had morphed into an unanticipated horror, when the doctor had innocently recommended bloodwork since she had never had it done before. Two days later representatives from the Federal Reproductive Committee were at her door explaining that there were so many abnormalities in her DNA they simply could not risk her procreating accidentally. Despite her lawyer father's protest, she was hauled into a medical facility and her fallopian tubes were cauterized and one of her ovaries was removed thereby making it practically impossible for her to procreate.

At the time, Castle was not aware that government-mandated sterilizations were done. Thanks to the genetic advancements in the decades leading up to his birth, Castle knew only about fifteen percent of those in his generation were purely Normal-born, like Kate, which was not a high number, but not an impossibly low one either. When Normal conception was banned, her merely thought fines or jail time were used as methods of deterrence, not something so horrific and barbaric.

Terrible as the story behind her twin scars was, the one behind the largest of the three was far worse. Castle brushed his thumb over the rough edges of that scar and then closed his eyes with his hand resting over the spot as he took in a deep breath and tried to keep himself from being sick at the memory of her heart-wrenching tale.

Being a man with a high level of social decorum, Castle never asked Kate about her facial scar, though he had been curious about it from the moment they met. In the weeks following when he was formulating the character inspired by her in his mind, he asked her why she chose a career in law enforcement. Though many decades prior such a job would have been a noble, respected one, with the onset of crime-solving robots and computers it had become decidedly less so and was most commonly done by former military, which she was not. She told him it was an event from her past, he asked if it had to with her scar, she said yes, but would say no more on the subject.

Nine months later, after they'd truly found their rhythm as partners, she had a particularly adverse reaction to a male NYU student who had stabbed his girlfriend to death in a rage of jealousy. As their investigation came to a close, she finally shared with him the true nature of her injuries.

During the first week of her second semester at Stanford, Kate was randomly assigned to a male lab partner. Though during their first class he seemed annoyed, he was much more pleasant during the second and even asked her out to coffee so they could get to know each other. Flattered and slightly disarmed by his charming Ultra-Elite smile, she agreed and he was to meet her at her dorm later that night.

When he picked her up, they'd barely made it across campus and were walking through a poorly lit area when she suddenly felt a sharp pain on her face. Disoriented from being slashed, she fell to the ground, where the man promptly pounced on her. She initially feared being raped, but then she heard the vitriol pouring from his mouth. This man believed Defects like her did not deserve to breathe the same air as Elites and needed to be destroyed. Then, he stabbed her in the gut.

Kate managed to crawl her way towards a sidewalk, where she was found by a passer-by and rushed into surgery. Doctors surmised that her life was most likely saved by her assailant's knife glancing off the metal button on her jeans before piercing her flesh. As it was, she suffered damage to her intestines and uterus and remained hospitalized for several weeks before she was well enough to return back to her home in New York.

Castle could not being to express on how many levels her tale sickened him, but he was certain of one thing. The moment he watched the tears stream down her face as she confidently told him her reasons for joining the police force was the one in which he fell in love with her. She was extraordinary beyond words even though she had no reason to be so and he wanted nothing more than to be with her.

Sadly, the world had a different viewpoint.

As a man who believed that the right side would always win, Castle dedicated himself to funding politicians fighting for fairer treatment of Normal-borns. He hoped laws could be put in place to end discrimination, but since politicians were mainly Elites, their cause had yet to be successful, but he would never stop trying.

In his mind they had finally reached a breaking point when their car plunged into the Hudson and he dragged her limp body out of the water. Convinced he was about to lose her without ever being able to love her the way he wanted, Castle knew they were facing a now-or-never moment, though he still wasn't sure how it would end.

Drawing his focus back to the pale but toned flesh of his companion, Castle lowered his head so he could place his lips just over the rough edge of the scar. He heard her breath in sharply when he kissed her belly, but she didn't shy away, so he pressed his lips to each of her three scars before kissing the worst a second time.

Naturally, he had asked about the fate of her attacker, and she'd responded with a bitter laugh. Despite her testimony and the evidence literally written on her face, the Ultra-Elite had pled out to a minor assault charge and faced only a fine instead of a prison sentence for attempted murder. Castle could feel the bile roiling in his gut at the thought of that smug bastard getting away with his crimes, which, from his years with the police force, he knew only made him more likely to strike again.

"If I ever came across that guy I'd make him pay for what he did to you." The writer said with confidence as he gazed at his companion.

She shook her head, sniffled slightly, and pulled her shirt back down over her stomach. "You shouldn't say that."

Shifting so that his hands were braced against her sides as he hovered over her, he asked, "Why are you crying?"

"I'm not."

"Kate."

She shut her eyes and a tear dripped out of the corner of each and landed against the steel-gray pillow cover. "I…I've never let anyone touch them before. I've never let anyone see this much of me before. I've never let myself just…"

Castle could stand the temptation no longer. She was there, in his bed, as vulnerable as he'd ever seen her and god he loved her—god, he wanted her. He just couldn't hold himself back a moment longer so he dove forward and closed his lips over hers.

Kate breathed in sharply and froze for the span of three seconds before a whimper escaped her lips and her arms rose up from the bed to encircle his waist. Seeing this as a positive sign, Castle lowered himself down and groaned as he pulled her in close. God, being close to her was so much better than he thought it ever could be.

He kissed her again and again, completely losing himself in the feeling of her body beneath his. Their position in bed working to his advantage, he nudged his knee in between hers and threaded their legs together to pull her even closer. She fisted her hands in his t-shirt, but only for a few moments before she pushed her hands firmly against his ribs to break their connection.

"Castle; we can't."

Instead of sounding afraid, she sounded disappointed, and he couldn't say he disagreed. Huffing out, "I know," he dropped his head to her shoulder, kissed the hollow of her throat, and then rolled back to his side of the bed. He watched as she readjusted her position with he hands tucked beneath her head as she lay on her side facing him. The soft smile playing at the edge of her lips brought him an endless amount of pride.

"You don't have to stay all the way over there, you know." He opened up his arms, encourage her to snuggle up to him, and she did so, resting her head on his upper chest before he closed his arms around her body.

"Oh Castle." She sighed down into his chest. "Why is the world like this?"

He brushed his lips over the crown of her head. "I'd change it for you if I could."

Her hand skimmed down over his chest so she could squeeze his side. "I know you would."


	2. Chapter 2

"I have an amazing idea."

Kate flicked her eyes to the left and found her partner with his elbow rested on the side of her desk as he sat in his usual chair. His chin was propped up on his fist as his eyes sparked and his lips curled into a gin that was clearly mischievous. Sighing to herself, she clasped her fingers together, rested them at the edge of the desk and prepared herself for an outlandish theory about their most recent murder case. "Oh this should be good."

"Let's go to the Hamptons this weekend—together."

Kate's heart stopped beating for the span of two seconds and she drew in a sharp breath, beats of sweat immediately forming on the edges of her brow at the horror she felt. "Are you insane?" she hissed to him.

His eyes twinkled into a brighter blue color. "Not in the least."

Adamantly disagreeing, she leaned in closer to him, her expression morphing into a glare. "Yes you are; completely. Do you want to get thrown into holding right now—what is the matter with you?" Talking about something like that—something dangerously teetering on the edge of being outright illegal—in the middle of the police station? He had absolutely lost his mind.

"What do you mean?"

She swept her right hand out across her desk as she said, "People can hear you!"

The writer lifted his head from where it rested on his fist, gazed around, and shrugged. "Nah—the only people close enough are Ryan and Espo and they don't care. Besides that's the whole point of this—no one can hear us in the Hamptons; we'll be alone."

Unable to detail the dozens of reasons why his idea was terrible without risk of being overheard, Kate simply shook her head and said, "No." There was absolutely no possible way they could leave the city together—even if it was to go to another residence that Castle owned. She imagined that his argument would in part be that going to his Hamptons estate would be no different than going to his Manhattan apartment, but she disagreed. Going to his apartment where his mother and daughter also lived could be much easier explained away as a friendly visit than going to a place where only the two of them would be. Besides, she was already toing the line going to his apartment as often as she did; she didn't need to make the target on her back even more obvious—not for any reason.

"Beckett c'mon."

"No."

"Beckett!"

She turned away from him once he began to whine. "No, Castle; there's no reason for us to go there."

"Oh…I think there's a very good reason for us to go there."

If the tone of his voice wasn't suggestive enough, he made his intentions even clearer by sneaking his left hand into her lap so he could caress her thigh. Kate's eyes flared wide at the touch and she immediately smacked his hand away, before turning to him with a glare so angry that the smirk immediately disappeared from his face. "Don't ever do that again."

"Sorry."

Scoffing under her breath she growled. "Honestly. Do you have any self-preservation instincts at all?"

"I can't help it," he said, his voice thankfully soft. "Which is why we should go to the Hamptons where there will be no one to-"

"Stop; just stop." She cut him off, exasperated. "You are talking about willingly committing a completely illegal act."

"Jesus Kate, I'm not suggesting we go on a murdering spree." He grunted at her.

"I obviously know what you're suggesting we do, Castle but…" She shook her head, sighed, and gave him a sad smile. "What would be the point?"

Over the prior six weeks—ever since the night she spent snuggled beside him in bed, which she had to admit to being incredible and sad all at the same time—Castle had made it abundantly clear that he wanted to be completely intimate with her. Other than the few times he'd snuck in a kiss, Kate managed to keep him at bay by continually rejecting his advances. Of course she wanted him—desperately, as it happened—but her fear of being caught outweighed her desire to pursue intimacy even further.

"The point?" His brow raised as he let out a small laugh. "I would think that a person who hasn't been with anyone in half a decade would know exactly the point."

Feeling her cheeks flush, Kate turned back to her computer monitor and muttered, "I knew I shouldn't have told you that." Her confession had been not quite a week prior after she'd become a little tipsy from a new—and delicious—wine he'd introduced at dinner. Her lowered inhibitions made her less resistant to his lips against her neck. It was only when his hand slipped its way beneath her bra that she stopped them and her sad confession had slipped out. It wasn't as though she hadn't had the opportunity in five years, or couldn't have sought it out on her own. She chose to segregate herself; it was easier that way, but he was making it very, very difficult for her to stay true to her commitment.

"Kate, c'mon. Don't you want a little release?"

She pressed her lips tightly together and focused more intently on the street camera footage she was reviewing in hopes of getting a better view of their suspect's face.

"I assure you I'd make it worth your while."

At his sultry tone she could not help but crack a smile. Still not meeting his eye she said beneath her breath, "I have no doubt you would, but that is obviously not the point."

"Okay, how about this? Let's take you-know-what off the table. Why don't we just have a nice weekend, the two of us? We'll have dinner, walk on the beach, maybe we'll even play Scrabble. Surely you can agree to come to the Hamptons with me when clearly nothing illegal will be taking place."

Kate pulled her hand away from her computer mouse and gazed at the mischievous man sitting beside her grinning as proudly as ever; he really was incorrigible. "There's still the perception of illegality and you know that," she leaned in closer to him, lowering her voice even further, "people are already suspicious of us."

He ducked his head to meet her gaze. "You know as well as I that suspicions do not hold up in court. C'mon Kate." He reached out and snagged her hand before she had a chance to protest. "Don't you want three interrupted days together? We can even travel separately if you want—no one will know we're there together."

"I…" She sighed and shook her head, truly running out of excuses that would convince him the idea was a poor one.

"You know I'm going to talk you into this eventually– why resist now?"

Growling at his smirk, she snatched her hand back. "That makes me want to say no even more."

He grinned wider. "No, it doesn't."

She felt her heart leap up into her throat as an affirmative answer rested at the tip of her tongue. She knew they were doomed and had been practically for the prior year, ever since their partnership had blossomed into a deep friendship. Nearly everyone working at her precinct was an Elite of some level. That combined with her excellent case record meant she was not very well liked. Jealous subordinates had always had it out for her and would jump at the chance to nail her for an egregious offence like breaking the intimacy laws. Deep down she knew that ultimately they would get her—it was only a matter of time—and if she was going to die in prison, she should at least had a chance to experience pure happiness, even if it would only be for little more than forty-eight hours.

"Okay, Castle," she said, keeping her voice as low as possible, "I'll go to the Hamptons with you."

* * *

"Welcome, beautiful lady, to your most romantic weekend ever." Castle happily greeted his detective guest when she arrived at his estate that Thursday evening. As she wanted to leave after her shift, she had arrived much later than he'd hoped—not until after eight p.m.—but that was okay; they still had plenty of time for cuddling. He took the duffel bag from her shoulder and ushered her into the marble foyer, which displayed the elegant arching stairway leading to the second floor.

"I, ah, initially thought the cab dropped me at the wrong driveway; this is quite a house, Castle."

"This thing? Nah." He tried to casually play off his estate which he knew to be impressive. "It's not even the largest on this street!"

Kate gave him a pointed look. "It's at least ten times the size of my apartment, if not bigger."

Grinning, he said, "Then let me give you the tour." He deposited her bag by the foot of the stairs and then led her down the hall towards the kitchen so they could grab glasses of wine before he showed her every square inch of the space.

As much as he wanted to point out the architectural details or decorations he thought she might enjoy, Castle could hardly focus on giving as detailed a tour as he intended due to the fact that he was simply so excited that she was there, in his house, and they were completely alone. His mother and daughter could not possibly interrupt them—no one could; they were almost completely isolated and it was marvelous—freeing.

For the prior seven weeks he and Kate had been closer than ever and he loved that, but he also knew that they were both holding back. He had done everything he could to ensure their comfort and safety. Though he wanted them to be together all the time, he knew they could not be so he ordered a new cell phone from his account in a made up name and gave it to Kate, so they could communicate freely. Kate insisted upon them spending only one night a week together in his apartment and he never went to hers (which would have raised many red flags) so nightly phone video chats became their new habit. As fun as it was, it still wasn't the same. Yes, he shadowed her all the days they worked, but he couldn't hug her there—he couldn't even touch her or gaze at her too flirtatiously so this weekend would be a first for them in many ways. He honestly wasn't sure what he looked forward to the most; everything would be thrilling!

"And, of course, this is the master suite." Castle concluded their tour by opening the double doors that led to his bedroom oasis. The bed sat centrally, in front of a small seating area and the already roaring fire. A walkway behind the bed divided the expansive en-suite bath, complete with jet-filled tub and a glass shower, from the his-and-hers walk-in closets. It was far and above his favorite part of the house.

"Oh Rick…it's gorgeous." She sighed with no small amount of amazement.

Castle placed her duffel bag at the foot of the bed and watched her examine the fireplace and the beach-themed room decorations with no small amount of awe. As the flickering flames of firelight danced across her silhouette he was once against struck by her beauty; it took his breath away. She was, without question, perfect for him and the fact that the government had the audacity to say otherwise should have been criminal, but he refused to let himself think such thoughts. That night was just going to be about them becoming lost in each other.

As Kate circled through the seating area, parted the curtains and glanced out onto the balcony, and then turned back to face the bed, Castle witnessed a peculiar expression crossing her face. She grazed her teeth over her bottom lip, crossed her arms over her chest and her brow kitted. He could tell immediately she was no longer amazed by his home, but concerned if not borderline afraid. "What's wrong?"

She hummed distantly. "I'm fine."

He stepped around the foot of the bed so he could reach out and graze his hand down her arm. "You're not; you're looking at my bed like it's covered in piranhas." She turned away, presumably embarrassed, but he slid his hand beneath her jaw to draw her eyes back to him. "I told you we could take sex off the table; we don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with." Of course he wanted to make love to her, but above that he wanted her to be comfortable with their actions and if that meant they spent their first night only cuddling, he was fine with that.

She smiled at him. "But you don't want that and neither do I, but I just…I keep thinking how doing something illegal goes against all my cop instincts."

He leaned in and pressed a kiss against her forehead. Though he could understand what she meant, he also believed she was thinking about things in far too black-and-white a way. "Just because something's illegal doesn't mean it's wrong, Kate." Yes, many times things that were morally wrong and illegal were one in the same. Castle would even go as far as to say that probably ninety percent of the time those instances coincided, but their relationship did not fall into that category; not even close.

Kate sighed and slid her hands across his sides until they met behind his back and she could rest her head against his chest. "I wouldn't have believed that before meeting you."

He locked his arms around her back. "Then thank god we met."

They stood that way, their arms around each other, for almost a full minute before Castle pulled back and lowered his head to give her a kiss. She accepted, but only briefly before stepping back and giving him a rather shy expression. "Before we, ah, get to the point of no return here I need you to know something. I don't trust people very easily—after everything that happened to me, my family I couldn't. And then you came into my life and it took me a really long time to get to know you and see who you truly were. I know it probably took me far longer than it would have taken someone else, but the point I'm trying to make is: I do trust you and you are so important to me, Castle. You made me forget about wanting to hide away, to isolate myself and live out the life as the monster they make me out to be."

Castle felt his stomach flip in his gut when she brushed a tear from the corner of his eye. God, he hated that she thought of herself in that way, because it could not have been further from the truth. He saw it—the adversity she faced, the hatred. Were it not for the scar on her face, the general populous probably wouldn't have known she was born of natural conception just by looking at her, but the scar was a dead giveaway. Ultra-Elites like himself had special properties to their skin that made scaring on that level nearly impossible. In fact, all levels of Elites could undergo skin therapy to make scars appear nearly invisible to the untrained eye. People like Kate, however, were the exception.

Even with such an obvious indicator that she was different, Castle still would not have treated her differently. Yes, his viewpoint was different than others, being one of the first of his kind, but he also didn't see the point in hatred or cruelty. One of the most important lessons his mother had taught him as a child was not to judge based on first impressions alone and that was how he lived his life. Still, his first impression of Kate was that she was extraordinary and he could not believe anyone would think otherwise. Sadly, he saw it every day of their partnership, and it tore him up inside.

"You're not a monster; far from it." He promised her.

Despite her tears, she smiled and nodded. "I know. You helped me believe that and no matter what happens to us from this point forward I want you to know how grateful I am for you coming into my life and for everything you've given me."

Castle stepped forward, lowered his head, and pulled her into a sound kiss. Her arms slipped around his waist and he sensed no hesitation from her as their lips intertwined. God, she was incredible. Unable to stop the emotions swirling with in him, Castle breathed out the one sentence he'd been longing to say for over a year. "I love you."

Her hands gripped harder at his hips and she rasped out, "I know," through her tears before bringing their lips together once again. For the first time she swept her tongue across his lip and he opened his mouth, greedily gripping at the base of her neck as they kissed. The moment he heard a moan in the back of her throat he knew he couldn't wait a second longer to have her. Abandoning his no-pressure-for-sex decree, he immediately moved his hands to the waistband of her jeans but she pulled away, her cheeks pink with embarrassment. "Wait, wait—you know it's been five years."

Shaking his head because he didn't see the point of her comment he breathed out, "So? I don't care about that."

She raked a hand through her hair and gazed tentatively down at his bed. "I…I'm just warning you in case I'm …rusty."

Giving her hips a light shove so that her knees buckled and she flopped down against the mattress, he smirked at her. "Don't you mean overzealous?"

A breathily laugh escaped her lips and she turned her eyes away. "Well maybe that, too."

He knelt down on the bed, stretching out beside her as they kissed, caressed, and slowly undressed each other. Only once she was fully nude did he find more scars on her body, scrapes and mars, and one long slash on her thigh from a bullet graze. All were a result of her job and not malice towards her directly, but that didn't matter; he brushed his lips across each of them before shedding his final items of clothing and joining her beneath the satin sheets.

"Castle," she whispered to him as he balanced on his forearms above her. He met her gaze in the dimly lit room and she reached up to stroke her fingertips down his face. "You're worth it. Whatever happens—you're worth it."

His heart feeling as thought it was shattering into a thousand pieces, he nuzzled his nose against hers and said, "Nothing's going to happen to us; I promise you."

She shook her head and he could see a tear escape the corner of her eye before she lifted her head and pressed her mouth to his. "You're worth it." She repeated before moving her hands to his hips to use as leverage to unite them as one.

* * *

Castle awoke very early on Saturday morning, groggy and mildly confused to what was going on around him. He stretched out his legs and rolled his body over, intent on snuggling up with his companion to fall back to sleep, but he immediately discovered his hand drifting across empty space. Now even more confused, he lifted his head from the pillow and opened his eyes. Moving his hand even further towards the opposite side of the mattress, he discovered that not only was it vacant, but the sheets were cool meaning she had been absent for longer than just a trip to the bathroom.

"Mm…Kate?" he grumbled out her name as he pushed himself into a seated position in the bed.

"Go back to sleep."

Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper, but it confirmed she was in the same room. From the direction, he deduced that she was sitting beside the fireplace, so he threw back the covers, raked his fingers through his sleep-mussed hair, and stumbled his way towards her. As his eyes adjusted to the light filtering in through the parted balcony blinds, he found she was curled up in the chair closest to the fireplace, hugging her knees close to her chest. He knelt down in front of her and placed a hand gently on her shin. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

At the sound of her tearful sniffling, Castle skimmed his hand up her leg until he could close it around her forearm, giving it a solid squeeze. "You're crying."

"I'm fine."

Castle leaned in, kissed the back of her hand and then snaked his arms around her body so they rested at her hips. "C'mon Kate; please tell me what's wrong."

Sniffing back tears, she moved her hands to rub across her face and he could see her shaking her head before she confessed, "I—I just didn't know it could be like this. I've never been with someone I love before and I don't want to give it up."

If his heart hadn't been broken from her tears alone, it certainly was in that moment. He could only imagine the internal confliction she felt after their day and a half at his estate. By his estimations, they had been utterly perfect with many hours spent exploring each other's bodies in his bed, in his shower, and even in the kitchen. Once they managed to keep their clothing on for more than ten minutes at a time, they made dinner together and even played that Scrabble game he promised her, with both of them laughing nearly the entire game. It had been absolutely perfect—better than he imagined it would be—but sadly their vacation was merely a fantasy—and an illegal one at that. Once they returned to Manhattan they couldn't be so carefree; a very serious decision would need made—and quickly.

Not wanting to have such a heavy conversation in the middle of the night, he pressed a kiss to the top of one of her knees and squeezed her hips. "C'mon let's cuddle while you fall back to sleep."

"No it's ok." She sniffed and gently used her hands on his forearms to pull his arms away from her. "Go on back to bed; I'll be there in a few minutes."

"You're sure?"

"Uh huh."

Though she didn't exactly sound convincing, he didn't want to argue with her, so he pushed himself up, pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and reluctantly returned to the bed. As he lay back down, Castle thought about the fact that he should have been happy about the fact that she had used the "L word" for the first time in reference to him, but he couldn't; such a confession—in addition to the entire weekend—was beginning to feel sadder than not and, for the very first time, Castle had to admit that he did not like the world very much—not even a little bit.

* * *

 **A/N:** This is really sad and I'm sorry. (But also I'm kind of not sorry... I'm like 75% sorry)

one part to go and i promise its not as tragic


	3. Chapter 3

Saturday morning Kate pulled herself from bed far later than she normally would have were she going through her normal weekend routine, however as her sleep that night had been practically nonexistent, she didn't feel the need to rush. Her partner had been out of bed for at least half an hour, possibly longer; she hadn't looked at the time when she felt him leave the bed. As such, he already had coffee ready by the time she entered the kitchen.

"Did you sleep?"

"A little," she replied while pouring herself a mug and walking over to the eat-at counter to sit beside him.

He twisted in his seat so he could face her, his brow knitted in concern. "I'm sorry—that's probably my fault. This weekend was supposed to be fun."

She shook her head and set down her mug on the counter. Reaching out, she squeezed onto his forearm with both of her hands and promised, "No, Castle; it has been fun. I mean, it's a little sad but I wouldn't change it – I still want to be here with you, it just makes leaving tomorrow that much harder." That was the exact reason she had woken up shortly after midnight and been almost unable to go back to sleep since. From the moment she agreed to their weekend getaway she knew ending their affair would be difficult, but she didn't realize just how difficult until after they'd made love the first time; the experience had been beyond description.

After being celibate for the prior five years, Kate had been rendered speechless by the attentiveness and enthusiasm of her partner-turned-lover. The pleasure of climax she had anticipated, but the accompanying emotions she had not. Her previous lovers had been merely acquaintances or, at most, boyfriends she kept at arm's length. She had never been emotionally intimate with someone as much as she had with Castle, and thus didn't realize how different their physical intimacy could be. Being with someone she loved as a friend made everything feel deeper, more real. It was fantastic and freeing and made her so happy she wanted to do it again and again—and they had right up until the point at which she realized that in barely more than twenty-four hours she could never experience such elation again and all those emotions came crashing down on her. The truth of it was: she didn't want to give it up yet, sadly, she knew that she had to.

"But Kate." Castle moved his opposite hand so that it covered hers where they lay on his forearm. "It doesn't have to end. I've been doing research and I've found at least ten other countries we can go to—and I'll keep looking if you don't like any of those."

Sucking in a deep breath Kate pulled her hands away from his arm as though it had suddenly turned into a hot iron pulled from a fire. She slid off her seat and stood a foot behind him, her arms folded over her chest, hands cupping the opposite elbow. "Castle…I can't…you were serious about that?" As she had known him for years, she was well aware of her partner's crazy, off-the-cuff ideas and theories, but that didn't mean all of them were ones he intended to follow through on. Yet, from his comment, he clearly had done research which meant his comment from nearly two months prior had not been one just to appease her, but one he was entirely serious about.

Castle stood to face her, conviction etched across his face. "Of course I was. Completely, one hundred percent serious. I was serious before and now, after the past two nights, I'm not giving you up, Kate; we have to be together. All the counties on my list will let us get married—some will even let us have children naturally."

Feeling as though she'd taken a knife to the gut, Kate shook her head and took two steps back, teetering on the edge of being upset with him for bringing up a subject extremely sensitive to her. "You know I can't."

"I thought you still had one of your ovaries."

She turned away from him to hide the tears brimming at the edges of her eyes. He was correct and she supposed that did technically mean she could have a child from one of her remaining eggs and not one of the Ultra-Elite lab ones, but give then damage to her uterus the doctors had implied she would be unable to carry a child—not that it had mattered at the time, since she lived in a place where it was illegal for her to procreate anyway. "I don't…I don't think I can."

His hand landed gently on her shoulder. "So we'll use a surrogate—if you want, I mean. We don't have to."

His calm, confident tone did not make her feel better, but worse. Choking out a sob, she stepped away from him and whipped around, shaking her head. "Castle, my god this is…I don't even know. It's a lot—a lot. We…we can't even date. We have to jump from this right to fleeing the country together." As someone who had always shielded her heart and only tolerated romantic relationships that moved at a glacial pace, such a concept was almost unfathomable.

He quirked his lips into a smirk. "I have no problem being a fugitive with you."

Though there was many a time she appreciated her partner's lighthearted comments interjected into solemn moments that was not one of them. "I'm serious, Castle. I don't even know if I can fathom what that would be like, how different my life would be. I mean, what would I do for a job?"

He considered a moment before his brow lifted quickly when an idea hit. "Oh! If we move to Canada I bet you could become a Mountie. You'd look so cute on a horse."

"Castle!"

"You would! Kate, you can do anything you want—money's no object, remember?"

He was being the kind, supportive man she imagined many dreamed about, but she simply could not make such a decision without very serious consideration. Still, she didn't want him to think her lack of snap decision meant she didn't care for him as the opposite was true. "I'm sorry, Castle there are just too many unanswered questions and scenarios to consider. You seem like you're ready to pack bags tomorrow, I'm not. I don't… I haven't done relationships for a long time so this is a lot for me. I need time to think all this over, to process."

He bobbed his head. "That's fair. I understand that."

She stepped closer to him and dusted a hand down the center of his chest. "I do love you, Castle, and I want us I just…"

He leaned down and brushed his lips over hers. "Don't worry about it; I get it. Believe me, I wish we could date and be 'normal' so to speak, but I also know that we can't."

She pressed her lips together, relived that he hadn't suggested some sort of elaborate dating-in-secret plan that would surely result in both their arrests. Still, she was concerned they were not on the same page insofar as how long she wanted to take to decide. "I need time, Castle, and not just a few days. Weeks, possibly."

He rubbed her shoulder. "I'm not in a rush."

"But the thing is…we can't be together back in the city—not like this. We'd get caught and go to jail before we even had the chance to make a decision."

He grumbled at her. "Thanks for the reality check, Beckett."

"I'm not telling you something you don't already know."

He huffed out a breath and skimmed his fingers over his chin. "Okay, okay—I see your point. May I present a counter-argument?"

She chuckled. "I would expect nothing less."

"For the past year you have regularly been coming to the loft one evening a week for dinner, right? So what if you came to the loft one evening a week for…something other than food–I mean I'll feed you too, if you want," he added quickly.

Kate twisted her lips to the side as she examined the smile spread across her partner's face. Somehow, she was not surprised at all that he would find a loophole that could allow them to be intimate while still limiting the exposure of their relationship. As much as she wanted to put her foot down and refuse intimacy in a place where they were much more likely to be caught, she also knew how much she would miss him while making her decision and felt his plan was reasonable enough to ensure success.

"I suppose that would be acceptable."

He cheered and then pulled her into a hug. "I know one night a week won't be enough, but while you're deciding…"

She nodded. "It'll be far better than nothing, but why don't we get started talking about this list of yours?"

He pulled back and looked down at her. "How about we talk about it over brunch?"

"Sounds good to me."

* * *

"I hear Italy's a really interesting place to live."

"See personally I'd go with Sweden—it just seems so nice there."

Her jaw hanging agape, Kate spun around from the coffee maker she stood in front of and came face to face with her partners Ryan and Esposito who both wore extremely suspicious expressions. Resisting the urge to immediately call up her unofficial boyfriend and yell at him for talking about the one thing she asked he not talk about, she grunted out, "He told you."

Ryan shrugged casually. "He told us about his friend 'Alexander' who was trying to convince you to run away with him. We put the pieces together."

Kate hummed and folded her arms over her chest. That was slightly better, though clearly the boys had seen through such an ill-conceived plan. Oddly, though, she was not afraid in that moment, only slightly embarrassed. She trusted her partners and though they were both Elites neither had ever shown any animosity towards her inferior birth status. She knew they wouldn't turn her or Castle in, but at the same time would not have chosen to tell them so they were not burdened with the knowledge of an illegal act. "I see."

Despite the fact that the three of them were alone in the break room, Ryan lowered his voice to a near whisper before saying, "You were with him last weekend, right? You could have told us, Beckett; we'd never turn you in."

She nodded and confessed, "I know it's just…I'm afraid to tell anyone. Our families don't even know. Not…not until I decide."

"You mean decide what country, right? Because the decision to go is already made. Beckett c'mon!" Esposito added when her only response was to press her lips together tightly.

Her heart constricted in her chest and she shook her head. He was right, though she struggled to admit it. Returning from the Hamptons had been difficult, but not as difficult as the next four days without Castle had been. She missed him so much that every inch of her ached and she knew she could not go her entire life without him even if that meant leaving behind everything she knew. "It's just a big change, Javi. And Ca—'Alexander,'" she corrected to keep up the ruse, "and I don't get a chance to just be a couple. We have to go right from this to marriage in order for the asylum to work in most of these places."

The detective scoffed. "You say that like you haven't been acting like a married couple for the past few years."

"He's right." Ryan chimed in. "Besides, think about how happy you've been since you guys got together two months ago. Yeah, that's right—wasn't hard to figure out." He added when her eyes flared wide. "It's not that we won't miss you, Beckett, but you deserve this."

Hearing the positive comments from her partners reaffirmed the decision that Kate's heart had made the first night she spent in bed beside Castle. She did deserve to be happy; she wanted to be happy and she knew the person in the world who could make her the happiest was Richard Castle. It was unfortunate that they would have to leave behind the city they both grew up in, their friends, coworkers, and families, but unfortunately the world was not affording them the opportunity of a choice.

Smiling at them both she said, "Thanks guys," and then quickly returned to her desk to pull out the cell phone she used to communicate with her boyfriend. She tapped out the message, _let's both put together out top three choices of what countries we want to move to and try to make a final decision in the next few days._ She sucked in a deep breath, held it for two seconds, and then pressed it out between her lips as she pressed the send button. Immediately, she felt a heavy weight lifted off her neck. It would be hard—very hard—but she would finally get the chance to live a real life and that made her very, very happy.

His reply was almost instant: _Okay!_ _I love you_.

 _I love you too_ , she replied. Then, she held the phone close to her chest while imagining her future, her life, and her family—all things she could never have imagined possible were it not for Richard Castle stumbling his way into her life—and she could not have been more thankful.

* * *

Sitting in the nursery, cradling her son in her arms, Kate smiled down in pure amazement at the small being that had been in her life for barley more than a week. It was the middle of the night and she had finished feeding him nearly ten minutes earlier. He had fallen asleep nearly immediately after, but she couldn't put him down—not yet. She wanted to soak up every inch of him—just like she had been for days, but never feeling like it would be enough as his existence had never been a certainty.

Six years earlier, Kate and Castle had fled New York for Canada, specifically the suburbs of Toronto. They had been very close to choosing Italy as their new home, but ultimately Kate chose America's northern neighbors for fear that the stress of learning a new language would prove too much for them while they were both trying to adjust to relocating and a speedy marriage. Plus, Canada was far and above the most convention place for their friends and family to visit them as often as they could.

All things considered, their transition went smoothly. They married two days after entering Canada seeking asylum, barely more than three months after the official onset of their relationship—the day Kate's cruiser went into the river. Of course the first month was difficult for them, but once they were settled into their new home, complete with a yard, which neither of them had before, they found their rhythm.

Not quite a year into their marriage Castle finally wore Kate down and she agreed to go to a fertility specialist with him so they could, as he put it, "see their options." The doctor was kind and sympathetic to Kate's traumatic history and since Canada had no rules against natural procreation, she faced no bias from him. After a physical examination and an ultrasound he concluded it might be possible for her to carry a child, but their best option was probably a surrogate. Ever the optimist, Castle insisted on a second opinion at another fertility practice. Fortunately for him, that doctor was equally kind and even more optimistic.

Six months later, after two uncomfortable surgeries, Kate became pregnant through an IVF procedure, though her pregnancy was labeled high risk due to the damage previously done to her uterus. Despite all warnings and concerns, her pregnancy went smoothly until the thirtieth week when she went into premature labor. The doctors were able to halt her progress and she was put on strict bedrest for over a month before concern her health became too great and their daughter was delivered early.

Strong like her mother, Lily was thankfully a happy, healthy baby, but Kate was unable to carry another child to term. She loved her daughter so much that for several years she was one hundred percent happy with having just one child…but then Lily's preschool classmates began having younger siblings and when they received the bill for another years' storage of their two remaining embryos she broke down in tears and asked her husband his thoughts on another child. He was, of course, thrilled at the prospect and immediately began talking about his son, because they knew both of their remaining embryos to be male.

Their search to find a surrogate was difficult, but they ultimately found a woman with whom they were both comfortable who agreed to carry both embryos in hopes of having fraternal twins. Though both implanted well, one failed to thrive and there was concern for their second until their surrogate reached her final trimester and doctors assured them that James was no longer in danger. Still, it was an emotionally trying time for all of them, and Kate never truly breathed a sigh of relief until her baby was placed in her arms, pink, screaming, and perfect.

"Mm do you need help?"

Kate glanced up when she heard Castle's deep baritone. He hovered in the doorway of the nursery yawning and scratching his head, ever the dutiful husband and father. She shook her head and forced herself to stand out of the rocking chair. "No he's asleep again now; I just didn't want to put him down yet."

"You should be sleeping." He reminded her.

She nodded in agreement and reluctantly walked James over to his crib. Though navigating all the trials of a newborn was exponentially easier while not also trying to recover from a C-section, round-the-clock feedings were still tiring for everyone involved. "I know…It's silly." She said of her reluctance to let him go.

He walked over and pressed a kiss to her head. "Never silly, Kate; just being a mom." Reaching around her, he stroked his hand over his son's swaddled body and then rested it gently on his feet, smiling down at the boy.

Leaning against her husband's chest, Kate said, "Can I tell you a secret?"

He grinned down at her. "Always."

Kate's eyes drifted baby to their baby, and her heart thrummed in anticipation of her confession. "I was afraid I wouldn't feel the same about him as I did with Lily, because I didn't carry him…I was afraid that bond wouldn't be there."

His brow knitted. "You never said anything."

"Because I was afraid to even say it out loud since I was terrified it would be true. But it's not; I love him so much." When he was first born and the nurses handed him to her, the room felt so chaotic. James was crying, Castle was crying, and she was trying to thank the surrogate for doing the thing she never could, particularly after the rough pregnancy. Then James was taken from them to be checked over and it was not until twenty minutes later when he was returned and placed on her naked chest to encourage bonding that she felt it. His small hand closed around her thumb and he cuddled to her breast just like Lily had and she knew she loved her son as unconditionally as she loved her daughter.

"Me too. C'mon." He tugged at her shoulder, pulling her from the crib so they could return to bed and, though it pained her, she followed him. They walked side-by-side down the hall to the master suite where he allowed her to enter the room before him and approach the bed.

A she knelt down on the mattress, Kate felt a wave of love and appreciation for the man she'd known as her partner for nearly a decade. Yes their story was filled with many twists and turns, joys and heartaches, and more complication than seemed possible, but it was also filled with more happiness than she could have ever imagined and, in that moment, she had never been more thankful that she agreed to run away with him so they could have their life—and family—together.

"Castle," she said, snuggling up to him as she slid beneath the covers. He grunted in acknowledgement. "I love you."

He pressed a lazy kiss to her head and sighed, "Love you…too…," before drifting off to sleep.

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 **A/N:** Thank you all so much for all your reviews - they really mean a lot!

I do have several things in the works, but next i'm going to post "What Makes You Stronger" a twist on Castle's backstory.

Thanks again!


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